A lot has changed since I've been here...this was a blog for a composition class I was taking, and one in all honesty that I forgot about. It's neat to stumble upon something that you wrote years ago.

So much has changed, both in the world and in my own little slice of it. I have come into my own as a woman, as an adult. I am now married with two children. They are both gorgeous boys who I have no doubt will give me a headful of gray hair and a stomach full of ulcers.

It'll be worth it.

I'm a step closer to finishing school, and look forward to that red-letter day. I know I contribute to my family now, but I miss working. I miss bringing in a paycheck, no matter how small. I miss adult conversation and having a reason to look like a girl. Now I'm just Mama in the sweatpants who is always a little tired.

That's worth it too.

I hope I can start blogging again, even though I know nobody even knows this exists anymore. It'll be therepeutic for myself, I think, to write and vent or dream, even without an audience.

I can't wait to see what I discover about myself.

Edelweiss

I guess most kids are rocked or put to sleep at night by a story or a classic lullaby, but when I think of my childhood bedtimes, I remember hearing Edelweiss. This song is most known from the musical classic 'Sound of Music', and was actually the last song that Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote together. The Sound of Music was a huge hit, and it really hit home on my mother's side of the family as her mother and grandmother were born in Austria (where the movie takes place). I can remember watching that movie several times growing up, and nearly every time Captain Von Trapp would sit and strum his guitar and sing this to his children, my mom would tear up. He reminded her a lot of her father, who had died when she was sixteen...my grandfather, a native Italian, was also a man with a houseful of kids, a man in love with an Austrian woman, and a man who loved to make music and sing. I think such a strong memory of her father is the reason I was danced around the room as she sang this so many nights in the past.

Every time I hear the song Edelweiss, even now that I'm an adult when I re-watch the movie, I think of being a little kid, being held in my mom's arms. I remember the way her dark hair would feel, tickling my forehead, and the way her heart would sound underneath my ear as we semi-waltzed around my bedroom. I can remember how she would smell those nights, a strange combination of coffee and Pond's cold cream. And I can remember the words vibrating in her throat as I pressed my hand to it.

Edelweiss, edelweiss
Every morning you greet me
Small and white, clear and bright
You look happy to meet me

Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow
Bloom and grow forever

Edelweiss, edelweiss
God bless my homeland forever.

I think that will always be a song that makes me close my eyes for a moment, and remember being a little girl in the arms of my mother, who I thought then (and still do) was the best part of the world.

Anthem

As frightening as the world in Anthem was, it's hard for me to envision that happening any time soon. Maybe a hundred years from now I could see it, but not in my lifetime. Anthem was a world that spat on individuality- not like a communist, or socialist society spits on it, but more completely. In Anthem, people were trained (or brainwashed) into ignoring any personal or possessive thoughts...the word 'I' or 'me' had completely disappeared from the language. People were not allowed to read unless the government had designated them a Scholar. People could not choose their own jobs, no matter how much they loved something. And try as I might, I just can't imagine the people of the world ever allowing things to go that far. We might allow our government to gain more and more control of us as the years pass, but when it comes to removing all traces of individuality and basic choice, I like to think people will stand their ground.

That's the main reason I think the world we saw in V for Vendetta is much more likely to come to pass. Though the government in that world had such control over its citizens, it had not gotten to the point where every bit of individuality was eradicated. This might be blind hope for our future, but I like to think we haven't completely lost our spines, that some bit of our forefather's courage and conviction still flows in our blood. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe our future is dark either way.

But I still have hope.

V for Vendetta

I think one of the reasons I enjoyed the movie V for Vendetta is because though it might be fiction, there are rings of truth to it. Maybe I have an overactive imagination, or maybe I'm just a tad bit paranoid/cynical, but I can see our government getting to the point of total control and censorship- "for our own good." Some people laugh whenever I make a comment about our government slowly becoming that way, but we've already allowed them to have much more power than they had just fifty years ago. Fifty years from now...well, who can say how much power they will have then?

I read an article not long ago called "The Cult of the Presidency", and it kinda freaked me out a little. It was all about the original purpose of a president and a checks and balances government, and how that has slowly eroded. The author felt that since the early 1900's (the Progressive Era) we've slowly handed the reins of control to the president, trusting in him blindly. There have been setbacks of course, such as during the Vietnam War, but for the most part we do expect our President to be our sublime protector, our nurturer, our provider, our superhero. Just like people wanting President-elect Obama to have total control of Congress (or his party anyway)- why in the world does that seem like a good thing? No political party should have full control of the White House, Senate, and House. That's just asking for trouble.

If people don't pull their heads out of the sand and realize that there is such thing as a government with too much lee way, than we could very easily be headed for the world in V for Vendetta. Maybe not tomorrow, or next year, but on day. And what's really scary is that nobody seems to care.

Attacking The Different

It seems like it's a part of human nature, that need to attack those that are different. We've all read about it in history books (the Holocaust, slavery, Civil Rights, suffrage movement, etc), and we've all seen it first hand...especially in school as children. People seem to instinctively close ranks, and attack the ones that are the slightest bit different. But why do we do that? What makes us lose sight of our compassion and heart, and torture those that simply aren't the same?

I think part of it is fear. The human race tends to be afraid of the unknown. We prefer to believe that because someone is different, that they are a threat. When people are scared, even subconsciously, we do one of two things...we run like hell, or we fight. We lash out at those that don't fit into our boxes, making them miserable until they give up and leave, or lose their individuality and join us.

I think in school children and teenagers, it stems from low self-esteem than fear. Why else would someone want to belittle another? I think it's because something is missing in that person, and the only way they gain satisfaction in themselves is to believe they are better than at least one other person.

For some, it's because they're simply mean. Not mean in the kick a dog, ignore tears type way, but as in a piece of their very soul is just mean and ugly, and enjoys inflicting pain on others. Perhaps this goes back to the need for power, the need to piss on the fire hydrant and mark their territory. Some people are just born like that, finding pleasure in causing others misery.

I don't think there's any one reason we persecute the different, but several reasons that are spread out among people. Not everyone's motives are the same, even if their actions and results are. In V for Vendetta, I think the people that got it the worst from the government were the ones that were capable of rocking the boat. They didn't want to have people that spoke their mind, and questioned authority, and fought for what they believed in. That went against the government's plan, and made those people a threat that had to be either beaten into submission, or disposed of forever.

All it takes, though, is one person to stand up against these people. Even if that one person does not succeed, even if they are silenced forever, their message will still have been heard, the torch passed. I truly believe that one person can change the world...whether it's the world in general, or another's reality. Take notice of those that attack the different, and stand up for them when they cannot. It's the only way this ridiculous habit of attacking people that don't fit the mold will ever stop.

Turning the Page

If tomorrow our world simply fell apart, and America no longer existed in the way it does today, I would hope I could jump in with both feet, and do something to help us get on track. There are so many facets of our society that need improvement, enough that I sometimes fantasize about another revolution. Somewhere along the path, our country has lost sight of its purpose, and of what is truly special about our way of life. We no longer acknowledge that we (the people) are the driving force of the nation. Instead we have become accustomed to letting our government take care of us...we're like domesticated animals. We no longer understand the concept of self-sufficiency.

I would hope I could have my fingers in all sorts of pies if this nation ever crumbles, but more than anything I would want to be involved in restructuring our constitution, and the way our government worked. Four years as president? Nope, not anymore, Jack...you get two years, and then there's another vote between the same two candidates. Screw suffering through four years of incompetence. And no more voting for the lesser of two evils. Give us two solidly good candidates, or the election will be postponed until you do. Welfare would have a brand new face...you can't work because you're disabled in some way? Fine, we'll give you a hand. You're not working because you're a lazy ass and know that we'll step in to bail you out? Nope...you'll receive some sort of training and get a job, otherwise you don't get a dime.

There would be no more whining about prayer in school, or our nation's motto. America was founded on the idea of religious freedom, and that means for EVERYONE, not just atheists. You don't want to pray in school? That's fine because you don't have to, but you're not going to strip away the rights of others to pray. Our penal system would get a major overhaul...child molesters automatically get death, and your executioner is the child's parents or loved ones. You're a first time, petty criminal...you go to prison, but you take a technical course of some kind, and are kept away from the real animals. No sense in taking a confused kid and turning them into a career criminal. You get a death sentence...no more waiting two decades before you get the shot. You got a year, bud, to get all your appeals in, and then you go to your maker or the devil, whichever one wants you. Gangs would have to go away, and urban cops would have to man up and go after them straight up. Take them down, or take them out, but get that trash off of our streets.

Those are just a few of the things I would hope to help with once our nation goes down the toilet, and there's so much more that needs to be done. Americans need to remember the sacrifices that their ancestors made to give us such freedom...freedoms that we are slowly pissing away without even realizing it. We need to find our courage, and our voice, and retake our nation once and for all.

Standing Out

I loved high school for the most part...loved the classes, my teachers, the fun I had with my friends, but there was one thing that I absolutely hated: the way people would do something they hated just so they could blend in. To me, there are few things more important in life than staying true to yourself. I was always taught that at the end of the day, I would be the one having to live with myself, and the choices I had made. My dad was a big believer in the idea that it's better to have few good friends who really knew you than it was to have a lot of people like you for the person they thought you were. There's no sense in pretending to be something you're not because in the end...well, you have to reveal who you really are or you'll lose a piece of your soul.

I do think it's possible to retain your individuality and still work well with others in society, although it's definitely more difficult than if you simply conform to other's idea of you. People seem to have an innate fear of anything that's different...even if it's a minor difference. It would be so much simpler to let go of your beliefs and desires, and simply give in to other people's expectations. But if I have learned anything yet it is this: you'll be much happier doing what you want than if you keep your mouth shut and walk the line. Nobody else in the world is exactly the same as me...that's something I definitely believe. If I were to change who I am, there's no one else to take my place and fill that void. Under no circumstances should someone simply let go of who they are, and embrace what people want them to be just to keep the peace. It's not peace...it's a cowardly surrendering of everything that matters.

There comes a time in everyone's life when you are presented with a choice...your own split path in the woods. As Frost said...you can do what everyone else is doing, or you can find your courage, and go your own way, and dare anyone to stop you. There is no sense in conforming, in pretending you are something you are not. Without your individuality, you're just a waste of oxygen and resources because you bring nothing new to the table, just the same tired points of view. If our founding fathers would have conformed and simply told Britain 'yes sir', where would any of us be today? Sometimes you have to stand up, pull up your britches, and spit in the face of conformity. And those are the times when you will truly feel alive.